Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
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I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately