Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
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I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe