What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
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God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is