My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
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Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.
Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
5-summon the Dark Overlord
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.