@Rohit_And_Run My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
@heidi420x “What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
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@Rohit_And_Run 
@VickieComedy Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
@whatsJo When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
@Marlebean [dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
@CornOnTheGoblin ♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
@CuddleYourCat Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
@BradBroaddus I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
@jenlaw_11 How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
@dubstep4dads i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
@ArtIsMyPorn Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.