@heidi420x

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

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@Rohit_And_Run

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

@VickieComedy

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

@whatsJo

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

@Marlebean

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

@CornOnTheGoblin

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

@BradBroaddus

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

@jenlaw_11

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

@dubstep4dads

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

@ArtIsMyPorn

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.