@UncleDuke1969 [doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
@Arroia Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
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@UncleDuke1969 
@StarWarsProblms Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
@Super_Cynthia [Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
@Whitr1010 8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
@EllenPallas Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
@robdelaney When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
@iwearaonesie me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
@2tickytacky I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
@MarfSalvador My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
@EyalTweet *at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.