@secondhandpenis my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
@Arroia Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
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@secondhandpenis 
@envydatropic A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
@blonde_opinion I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
@itsdivbaby when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
@heyitsJudeD Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
@Parkerlawyer “In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
@TheAndrewNadeau GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
@threetimedaddy 4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
@jakelikesnaps [astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
@AmishSuperModel Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.