@Arroia

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

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@secondhandpenis

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

@envydatropic

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

@itsdivbaby

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

@Parkerlawyer

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

@TheAndrewNadeau

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

@threetimedaddy

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

@jakelikesnaps

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]

@AmishSuperModel

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.