Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

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“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*


Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.

Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.

Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”


[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.



8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?


Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.

You are welcome.


When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.


me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!


I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.


My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’


*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.