
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.