Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
You Might Also Like
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
what does he know…