Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
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Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda