Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
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Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Everything reminds me of my ex
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
“Huge”.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?