@Aspersioncast

Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?

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@JasonNotEvil

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

@inigoomontoya

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

@

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

@meganamram

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

@imence2

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

@9GAG

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

@ShrinkMedia

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

@JustUnstableMe

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

@GrowlyGrego

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R