Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
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Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Me buying fruit and veg
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.