Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
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A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?