Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
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Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I enjoy a good short stor
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
I already tried new things thanks.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag