“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
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the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid