Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
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doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Good Morning.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
tinder is all about the long game
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.