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My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
my first dose meeting my second
Anything to declare?
Yes, I really miss my dog.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.