Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
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Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
set yourself free xox
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
What in the hipster hell is going on here
SCARY COSTUME
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??