@noog

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

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@SvnSxty

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

@GianmarcoSoresi

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

@CornOnTheGoblin

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

@david8hughes

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

@WayneL_Jr

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

@PopeAwesomeXIII

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

@Annekinns

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

@DadSetAgainst

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

@aveuaskew

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.