@noog

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

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@RiotGrlErin

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

@dmc1138

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

@donni

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

@5OVEREIGNTY

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

@kelkulus

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

@Manda_like_wine

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

@TheTweetOfGod

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

@LuvPug

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

@KlMBERLY_

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.