#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
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I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Batman v Dracula
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
The game has officially changed 😎
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Everything reminds me of my ex
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
“The Perfect Relationship”
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I hope it’s French Onion!
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver