#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
You Might Also Like
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I think we should hear other voices.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.