#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
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Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha