What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
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The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
These are my roll models.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band