What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
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When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.