what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
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Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Every haunted house movie:
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?