what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
You Might Also Like
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.