what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

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Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.


My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”


Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”


Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.


If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention


Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot


If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”