@English_Channel

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

@deephora_

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

@armyVet1972

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

@ddsmidt

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

@envydatropic

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

@subtweetopath

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

@Try2StopME

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”