What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
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If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.