What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
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*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
happy valentine’s day to me