What’s dopamine is dopayours.
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me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
buys donuts instead
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.