what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
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“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator