@BlackCatBettie

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

You Might Also Like

@extracapsa

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

@BruceForce

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

@hythemafia

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

@JasonNotEvil

Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE

Me: *opens door*

Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka

@Dawn_M_

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

@amburgklur

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

@BuckyIsotope

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

@bobvulfov

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze