Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
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History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze