what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
are there any atheist mantises?
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth