What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
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Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
See..?
.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?