What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.