‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
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I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Thursday
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco