“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
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My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation