What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
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The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T