What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
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ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
True.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this