What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
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We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky