What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
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“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Oh we’ve met.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do