What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
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I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.