What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
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Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Fiction has to make sense.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I hope Alan is OK
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”