what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

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My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.


tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no


FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct


A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE


@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck


[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*


*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.


Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.


If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”


what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”