what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
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What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
#Caturday
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.