@KayArePea My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
@hell_doe what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
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@KayArePea 
@mrjohndarby tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
@panmidwest FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
@TragicAllyHere A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
@rnc00 @MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
@murrman5 [shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
@MummaCrazy *Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
@sherifsharkawi Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
@PaulyPeligroso If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
@BrogaPants what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”