@hell_doe

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

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@KayArePea

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

@mrjohndarby

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

@panmidwest

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

@TragicAllyHere

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

@rnc00

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

@murrman5

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

@MummaCrazy

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

@sherifsharkawi

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

@PaulyPeligroso

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

@BrogaPants

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”