What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
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outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
our love story in four pictures
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.