Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
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It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .