What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
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Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
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GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days