what’s really going on
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dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
“Huge”.
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Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop