what’s really going on
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When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
LOOOOOOL
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations