What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
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During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is