What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
You Might Also Like
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
A leaf blower, but for people.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
an airline just for babies.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
welp
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.