What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
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Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.