What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

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6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.


I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.


Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.


The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.


When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”


On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.


*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*act surprised when they mention it*



Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?



The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture