“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
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student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head