“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
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The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Y’all know who you are.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.