“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
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boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Well. That’s not a good sign.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.