What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
You Might Also Like
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well