What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
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My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
how much does a mortician urn in a year
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.