What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
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Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads