What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Cats (2019)
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs