What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
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*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.